A Crooked Smile

Lately I’ve been walking around with a crooked smile. What’s that you ask? A crooked smile is the one that you give when someone or anyone asks you how you are, and you don’t really want to tell them the truth, so instead, you give them a smile that hopefully satisfies their need to hear “I’m doing great!”, when inside you’re just really not doing that great. Now, I’ll follow that up by saying that I’m not severely depressed, I don’t need mass intervention – I’m just in a funk. And it sucks.

It’s the kind of funk that if you’re the right person, and you catch me at the right moment, I may just burst into tears, followed up by a twenty minute rant about how I hate being in a funk. That’s not normally how I am. I pride myself on being emotionally stable. But when the storm clouds rolls in, and instead of pushing through, they hang over my head, you get my crooked smile. On the bright side, at least I realize that I’m in a funk. At least I’m not in denial!

The thing is, I know some of the reasons that I’m in a funk. And that makes it so much more frustrating, because normally I can deal with these things and move on. But there’s other stuff out there, bigger stuff that I don’t have a grasp of yet. I don’t mean to sound all philosophical and cheesy, but it’s true. It’s like I have been on a sugar high in my life lately, and now I’ve crashed. And I’m trying so hard to stabilize.

Little things can have such an impact on me. For example, a morning that starts out great can become cloudy as soon as someone cuts me off in traffic on the way to work (which is only a 3 mile commute, by the way). Or something as small as the fact that someone left something on my desk at work in the particular spot where I always put my computer bag when I arrive to work in the mornings. And now I can’t put it there. Who really cares? I know, I know. But it sets me off. Not on a rant and rave. I’m not going to go screaming at anybody. But inside, the storm has started brewing. It’s ridiculous. And I’ll say it again, it sucks.

So what is causing this funk? Well, in a nutshell, I’ve woken up to the reality that a relationship really is over. I have been holding on for weeks. And it wasn’t really supposed to be cold turkey, but it kind of ended up that way. Being friends never really works anyway does it? Maybe it’s better, but it was an important relationship to me, and it’s a hard reality. And then there are the few times lately that plans have changed or been cancelled, and I haven’t been able to let that roll off of my back as quickly as usual. For a planner like me, it’s sometimes a little harder to understand. And it’s the ten thousand people who are getting married and having babies, whom I love dearly and am extremely supportive and proud of, but all of these events of joy for everyone else bring up the feelings of “Why not me?”. I know, you’re saying, “Get over yourself Lisa”. And that’s fair enough. But that’s easier said than done when you’re deep down in a funk.

And what about these other larger things that I don’t have a grasp of yet, that I know are part of my funk? When do I find out what those are and how to deal with them? It’s like I’m at a crossroads in my life and I need to pick a direction, and I have too many choices and not enough information to make a decision. And I don’t want to go with my gut (because let’s be honest, I’m an auditor and I analyze way too much). But then again, maybe I should go with my gut? Maybe that’s my whole problem. Maybe God is in my gut. Maybe I need to follow Him instead of my analytical mind. But He gave me that too right? Uggh! You see what I deal with all of the time? No wonder I’m in a funk!

I’m not going to act like I’m special here. I know everyone goes through this at some point in their lives, or probably several times actually. Maybe our lives are supposed to be like this so that we are forced to step back and reevaluate every now and then. Maybe we should regularly do an inventory of our lives and decide what we should keep and what we need to throw away; what’s a necessity versus what’s a luxury; what’s a positive force in our lives, and what brings us down. I think I need to go do that inventory. Maybe that will help me get out of my funk. Maybe the crooked smile can again become a beaming smile – the one that makes my eyes twinkle.

Until then, I’m trying to do little things that will help keep me positive and not get bogged down in my funk. Like this morning, I made vanilla pumpkin coffee and put on my new Third Day Christmas CD. Christmas music always cheers me up. I know that it’s only mid-November, but if I know it makes me happy, then why the heck not? And I booked a trip to Scotland for the end of this year/beginning of next year, to see two of my favorite ladies in the world and their adorable kiddos. And what’s even better, is that I got to use miles so that I don’t feel guilty about spending the money. And I’ve started going back to hot yoga regularly, which always seems to brighten my spirits and is a treat for this accountant’s body that sits in an office at a computer all day. And I’m trying to spend more quality time with the people who are most important to me, rather than trying to spend my time with everyone. Don’t we all find that we can busy ourselves with other things and other people? And by doing this we feel like we are busy, happy and important? And we think that's a good thing? But when it boils down to it, all of that ends up being more of a burden than anything else because we’re taking away time from being with the people who can get us out of a funk. And those people are the keepers.

So, I will make a toast now with my vanilla pumpkin coffee, to brighter days ahead, friends who snap us back into reality and help us get out of a funk, Christmas music, traveling the world, cuddly fat cats, and whatever happens to make your smile straight! :-)