Saturday, June 14, 2014

Finding You

Hi.  Hello there.  It's been a while, my blog friends.  Life has been a bit....well.....unconventional for me lately.  Sometimes I go back into my journal and read my past entries and wonder where the heck the words came from.  Usually it's because I am in a different place than I was when I wrote the entry.  But they are always encouraging to me.  The one I've included below did just that for me today.  It's a bit of raw honesty. 

Journal entry to God - May 25, 2014:

I met with a friend recently and she mentioned several times to me how well I have walked this journey with You over the past year and a half.  Sometimes I think I agree with her (only by Your strength and grace), but most of the time I look back and think what a total disaster I have been.  There have been so many days of roller coaster emotions.  Anger and hurt.  Trying to control things.  Doubting You and questioning Your motives.  Being focused on just a future with him rather than on You and the bigger picture.  Days where I would do anything to be with him and I was full of patience and grace, just to see the next day such frustration with him and the timing of the entire situation.  In my mind, that is not a picture of someone walking well.

BUT, You have always been faithful.  You have never left my side or abandoned the situation.  Whenever I had roller coaster emotions, You would steady them.  Maybe not when I thought You would, but You always did.  You supported me and encouraged me everyday in this, often showing to me glimpses of what might be, giving me hope.  You drew me closer to You along each step of this journey, holding me as close to You as I would let You.  You never let me go.  You showered me with grace and forgiveness at times when I cried out to You in anger and confusion.  You let me be impatient and doubt You.  It didn't change Your love for me.  And You blessed me with moments, or days, or weeks of peace after such emotional turmoil.  Which was the break that I needed to rejuvenate and keep going.  You have never lost sight of the end of this journey or of the purpose along the way.  You were stronger than me and my bullying and ultimatums and You loved me through even those.  You let me scream like a little girl when I needed to and then spoke Your truth to my heart when I was finished.

And that?  That right there - that has been the goal of this journey, hasn't it?  Not that I end up married with two kids and live happily ever after, but that You were able to do all of that in my life, that I was able to see it, and that I would realize that a life without You, no matter who else You add to it, is no life at all.  The purpose of this journey has been finding You.  In the midst of chaos, confusion, anger, impatience.  It's been You that I have truly been searching for.  And I found You.

"We must let go of the life we've planned so as to get the life that is waiting for us" - Joseph Campbell

"...because to receive a gift, the knees must bend humble and the hand must lie vulnerably open and the will must bow to accept whatever the Giver chooses to give" - Ann Voskamp

"Jesus calls me to surrender and there's nothing like releasing fears and falling into peace.  It terrifies, true.  But it exhilarates.  This, this is what I've always wanted and never knew:  this utter trust, this enlivening fall of surrender into safe hands.  There is no joy without trust!" - Ann Voskamp