Restless

I love my job. It affords me the opportunity to travel around the world and visit other cities and cultures. And I get lots of airline and hotel points to use for fun, which certainly is a perk! What I also love about my job is that when I’m home, I can have a life. I can plan things and follow through with them, and it’s very predictable. I missed that for most of the early part of my career.

I have a great group of friends, from all aspects of my life. Some I’ve had since college, some are from my early days at work, some are from church, some are by chance, but in the end, they are all important to me and form an invaluable support network for me. I honestly cannot envision going through life without my friends.

My family continues to be a solid rock for me. It’s refreshing to have parents who always want to see me, even if I just saw them the weekend before. And although I don’t see my sister as much as I would like, we have a history that goes back our entire lives, which is something that I don’t have with anybody else. Sure our family dynamics have changed over the years, but we are still a family and we enjoy the new challenges and opportunities that we encounter. Well, most of them :-)

I really can’t complain about my life.

But I’m restless. Utterly, powerfully, and uncontrollably restless.

Literally and figuratively. I can’t sit still long enough to even notice what is going on in my life. I just live it, day by day, trip by trip, and then I look up one day and things are not the way that I envisioned them to be. Or where I want them to be.

I’m restless because I don’t know what the heck my life is for at the moment.

I’m restless because I keep comparing my life to everyone else’s around me.

I’m restless because right now, I’m angry with God. Really, really angry with Him. So angry that I can’t force myself to open my mouth and talk to Him. I’m afraid of what I would say. And part of me wants Him to hurt as much as I feel I am hurting right now. Even though I know that He hurts watching me live my life every single day.

I’m restless because six months ago, I felt so confident in my life and my direction and my dreams. God was working in me and I was passionate about living my life for Him. And then it all just stopped. It all came to a screeching halt. And I wish that I could pin point what it was that caused it. But it has made be resentful and angry and hurt. And restless. Why? Because feeling that close to God and being in sync with Him got me through each day without thinking about the fact that I am 34 and single and nowhere close to being a wife and a mother. Now, without Him, it’s something that I think about every single day. Usually multiple times a day. I’ve lost the confidence in His plan for me and feel so far away from it.

I see couples in a restaurant together enjoying a meal and laughing over their conversation, and my heart physically aches. I watch my friends playing with their kids, or getting ready to have their first or second child, and I get butterflies. Six months ago, I was content exactly where I was. Now, I’m just restless.

And it’s not just my single status that is making me restless. It’s watching close friends of mine go through things that they shouldn’t have to go through. And being angry with God about that too. It’s having almost too much freedom with my time, no one to be accountable to, and endless possibilities of things to do. It’s putting off things that I know have needed to get done for months, or even longer. All of that makes me feel restless.

I’m in a state of unknown right now. I’m way too prideful right now, and I know that. I have far too many expectations of my life right now. And none of them are coming to fruition because they are my expectations, not His. And I know that. And I also know that none of this is going to get better without me completely breaking into pieces and throwing myself on the ground at His feet. I just can’t do that right now. Certainly not on my own strength. I’m being a stubborn, hard-headed child to my Father. And instead of crying out to Him to tell Him that I’m angry, I sit with my lips zipped tightly in my room with the door closed, pouting in the corner. And you can ask my parents – I’m a great pouter!

So friends, my few blog followers who have been sitting for over two months without a new post, can I ask you to just do something for me? Can I just ask simply that you pray for me? Because I’m not doing a very good job of that right now, and could use some help. And hopefully at some point in the near future, all of this restless energy can be aimed towards something good.

Lots of love and thanks coming your way.