Swimming Against the Current

I remember back in junior high I was introduced to the concept of choosing to either go with the flow or swim against the current. I heard the quote "Only dead fish swim with the current", and it must've left a lasting impression on me. I feel like I have spent my life up to this point trying not to go with the flow. It's not that I am fighting the current; maybe it's just that I’m trying to find an entirely different stream to navigate.

This concept has been heavy on my heart lately, I suppose because I’m currently in a small group study that is bringing my attention to different aspects of my personality. And this is one that I have always prided myself on: not being a dead fish – not swimming with the current.

But pride is a tricky thing. Too much of it can lead to all kinds of problems. Not enough of it can create another set of issues altogether. But ultimately, the basis for that pride – what underlies it – is really what matters. I don't know why, but I rarely want to be in the majority. I don't want to live the life that everyone else lives, or shall I say, the "typical American dream." I mean, I DO want the things that come along with it, but I want my life to stand out. And lately I've been wondering, is that a bad thing? Who do I want it to stand out to? And why?

Example #1: My mom, dad, AND sister all went to Texas Tech. I went to Baylor. What is my response when people ask me why I didn't go to Texas Tech? "Because that is where everyone else went."

Example #2: I moved all the way across the world without knowing a soul and lived there for almost 3 years. And I wanted to stay there. Most certainly not swimming with the current.

Example #3: My choices in hobbies. a) I love the zoo. It is my sanctuary. b) I have a love/hate relationship with hot yoga. And I enjoy watching people's reactions when they find out the temperature in the room. It's amusing! c) I enjoy traveling equally as much as I enjoy being at home. I don’t think that’s very normal.

There are a slew of other things that I could mention. But what is it that I’m after? Some sort of wow factor? Or a “shock and awe” plan for my life?

I think what it boils down to is that my parents always encouraged me to stand out. And not in a bad way, but to set myself apart from others. And just be me. And I have learned over the years that I am NOT a dead fish.

On the other hand, I look at some women and they seem to always fit in so perfectly with whatever group they are in. They don't cause issues, they go with the flow, they are agreeable, and everybody likes them. Sometimes I want to be like that. The average woman. The girl next door. Someone who looks and acts friendly and dependable all the time. But then I start thinking, would that imply that I lack passion? Does that indicate that I'm not strong enough to have opinions and feelings of my own? Could that suggest that I let people walk all over me?

These are all good questions, and I don't know the answer to any of them. I don't know that I need to. Because the thing is, I have a different personality than the woman that I describe above. And to her, being agreeable is not lacking passion or opinions of her own. To her, it’s being her. And I’m me. And we are very different people.

If I spend my entire life heading upstream, or along a different stream entirely, in the opposite direction of the mainstream, will I tire eventually? Will it be mentally and physically exhausting on my body and my mind and my soul? Is it worth it? Will I get lonely navigating my own stream?

I don’t know the answers to those questions. But based on my past experience and relationships, there are two things that I do know for sure:

1) I refuse to let anyone squash my spirit. If they try to, I need to get them out of my life very quickly.

2) One of the qualities that I find most appealing in a person is passion. So why would I EVER want to not be passionate in my own life? I surround myself with passionate people, so that I have others to be silly, crazy, excited and emotional with.

What is the purpose of this whole blog? Honestly, I’m just thinking out loud. It’s my way of working through what this small group study (it’s called No Other Gods by Kelly Minter, by the way) has been bringing up to the surface. The girls in my “NOG” small group have had the pleasure of listening to me work through all of this :-) And ultimately, I think that as long as I stay focused on Him as I’m swimming against the current, I’ll be okay. It’s when I start becoming too prideful and self-righteous that I know I have a problem. And I recognize that I do that on occasion. Maybe a little too often lately. Maybe that’s why this is so heavy on my heart right now. Yikes.

I will always strive to be perhaps a little bit different. It’s really no effort for me at all actually. It’s who I am. And I love that I have people close to me in this world who are just like me, and those who are complete opposites. I think we balance each other out. And I wonder if it’s not me being different or standing out at all, but me just being myself. And maybe I am going with the flow. Maybe I’m just the fluorescent green fish amongst a stream full of silver ones.  Or maybe I'm not different at all.