Are You In?

I need to tell you a story. And I’m unsure why I feel so compelled to share this with you. Perhaps it’s so I can solicit help from some of you for keeping me accountable. Perhaps it’s so some of you can understand me better. I don’t really know. I have only told this story to a handful of close friends up to this point. And it’s nothing scandalous, and it’s not going to change the world. Well, it might change my world.

As most of you who are reading this probably know, I lived in Australia for almost three years. I loved Australia. It became home to me and it was hard to part with it when it was time to return to America. I made many, many close friends over there, including a guy that I dated for about three and a half years. And then geography happened.

So ever since I returned home, I’ve been thinking about when I could make the trip back Down Under for a visit. It requires a nice long vacation from reality, patience, and money. Luckily for me, I had the second two covered, but getting the desired amount of time off of work always seemed to be the tricky part. And then I changed jobs. And with my new job, I still got six weeks of vacation every year, the difference is, I can take a lot more of it, or all of it, at once if I so desire. Score!

So when I got this new job last August, I immediately planned a three week vacation to head back to Oz to visit some people whom I have missed dearly over the past several years since I’ve been back in the States. I booked my PTO, told everyone here that I was going over, and I told everyone there that I was planning to come over for a visit. I even went as far as to research flights and talk to some friends about the possibility of staying with them when I came over. I had all but pressed the button to go on this trip.

But something was holding me back. And I fought it for a long time. I just wasn’t as excited about this trip as I should’ve been. I kept thinking that if I finalized plans and as the time got closer, that I would feel better about it and my excitement would grow. But it never did. And lodging wasn’t working out the way that I wanted to. So I knew something was up.

One Saturday morning last November, as I was doing my quiet time and praying over this and many other things, the Lord really laid it out for me. He was faithful and He answered my prayers. I don’t know what I did to deserve the amount of clarity that I got at that exact moment in time, but I knew two things for sure: 1) I was not to go to Australia and 2) I was to do missions instead.

WHAT?!?!? I’m sorry Lord, did you say missions? Are you confused? Did you get your appointments mixed up? This is Lisa: the Type A control freak, business-minded, analytical, logical, rational, planner, everything-is-set gal. And you want me to do what? Missions? Are you crazy? I really thought He was, right at that moment. But then, I got really, really excited. Like really excited. Not only because I had this new adventure to look forward to, but probably more so that this was one of the few times in my life that God has literally spoken to me and made something so clear. And He also made it clear to me that I didn’t have to understand it right then. And to be honest, I still don’t understand it today as I sit here typing this.

That same weekend, I went straight to my church’s website and looked up the 2011 mission trips, only to find that they were not finalized yet and that information was forthcoming. So I was full of all this energy and excitement and desire to act, yet I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do; what was God’s timing for all of this?

I remember taking to one friend about this development, and expressing to her my complete shock and fear about this “calling”. I’m not equipped for this. I don’t like to talk to random people and I certainly am not comfortable sharing the gospel with them. If you want me to build a house, I’m in. If you want me to spend time with some kiddos who are underprivileged, I’m in. But that’s not the vibe I was getting from Him. And I remember her saying to me, “Lisa, God does not call the equipped, He equips the called”. Well, that’s cool and all, but He has a LOT of work to do in me!

So I spoke to a few more people about this, people whom I trusted for their Godly wisdom and guidance, and who wouldn’t think that I was crazy for going through all of this. And every single one of them was so excited for me and thought that it was amazing that this was what He had in store for me. So I promptly cancelled my trip to Oz (really I just cancelled it in my head since I hadn’t made any definitive plans yet) and just kind of sat back and listened for a while.

And then one night (and I don’t remember the exact timing of this), I was talking to my dear friend who is adopting from Ethiopia (http://teamhuss.blogspot.com), and she casually mentioned that maybe I could go over there with her during the “in between” period from the first court appointment to the final court appointment where her and her husband get to bring home baby. She had previously told me that she wanted to stay over in Ethiopia and learn more about her future child’s home country and culture, and give back to that country through volunteer or missions work. And pretty much without hesitation, I exuberantly said “yes!” What a perfect opportunity for me! Not only as someone who loves to travel the world, but also with my new found “calling”, I thought this would be great exposure to the missions field. And I was also excited about the opportunity that this provided for our friendship.

And to make a long story short, I am, in reality, heading over to Ethiopia for three weeks very shortly, to experience what God has in store for me, and for my dear friend and her mom. God has completely turned my life around in the last several months. I went from a job that demanded 110% of my attention for a majority of the year, to a new one that challenges me, allows me travel the world and see how others live, and gives me the freedom to live MY life. And I’ve come to learn that this new job was no coincidence. God is amazing. He does amazing things in my life, and in so many others’ lives. And I’ve seen it time and time again, and it gets me really, really excited.

But I’m also scared. Terrified actually. What if I get over to Ethiopia and I want to stay? What if I want to give up what most would see as a normal life or the real American dream? What if I want to marry someone who lives in Africa and have our little kids running around a village in their diapers? What will people think? How will my family react? How will my non-believer friends react? How will I react?

Why would I want to give up a comfortable roof over my head, a car that’s paid off, the foodie part of my personality, the luxuries that I experience in every day life? Why in the world would I want to do that?

And better yet, what happens if I get over there and feel nothing? Is all of this “call to missions” just a sham? Is it fake? That can’t happen, right? I know that I could’ve never made that up for myself. I would’ve never picked this for my life. And when is something going to happen? How much effort do I need to put into this, and how much do I need to just sit back and wait? Do I be proactive or do I be reactive? Remember Lord, this Type A personality likes to have a plan. And it’s a hard lesson for me to not know what that is!

But someone else has picked it for me. And someone else has bigger plans for me. And it may not involve living in a remote village in Africa with my kids running around in diapers. But maybe it does. And all I know is that there is a stirring in me that I cannot ignore. I’m grasped tightly, my heart is wrenched, and something is not loosening its grip. I can’t ignore it. But at the same time, I don’t know what to do about it.

At church today, the band sung about an awakening – an awakening in our souls, and the guest speaker spoke from John 6 when some of the disciples turned away from Jesus because the life that He was calling them to lead was too difficult and they were worried what others would think. I don’t want to be that person. I don’t want to walk away for fear of what others might think. My biggest fear should be that I live my life for me and not for someone else. Not for Him. That’s what I should be scared and uncomfortable about.

And then our guest speaker asked “Are you in or are you out?” Are you IN or are you OUT? Because that’s the ultimate question isn’t it? How could I not say, “I’m in; I’m in with all of my heart and all of my soul and all of my being. I’m in for whatever roller coaster ride you want to take me on, even if it’s a scary one. I’m in for being judged by people who don’t know You. Because the people who do know You will not question this for a second.”

And maybe that’s all He’s after – my commitment and obedience. Maybe He won’t take me on a crazy roller coaster ride. Maybe it’s just a trip around the lazy river. Maybe I just needed to talk through this entire thought process on paper and not just in my head. I don't know. But my eyes have been opened, and so has my heart. And whatever it is that is in store for me, whatever He has planned - “I’m in!”