Judgment Day

My blog post last night got me thinking……

When I write blogs, I sooooo believe everything that I say and am encouraged and excited about what I write. I get caught up in the moment and have all engines fired up. I love it! I feel powerful and armed with a purpose.

Then, the unthinkable happens. I get caught up in the other things. I get distracted. And those ideas and revelations that I’ve had in the past and blogged about, well, they sound good, but I have a hard time turning them into real life; a hard time converting them into truth.

I’ll give you an example:

I was re-reading some of my recent blogs, and the one that struck me the most was my Breaking the Mold blog from early December. I love that blog, and I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote it. I still get encouraged when I think of that day. I was sitting on my couch on a Saturday morning when I was supposed to have gone to a conference in Oklahoma City that weekend, but it snowed in Houston and we couldn’t get out. A lot happened that morning, and my blog was purposeful; I was going to make a difference in my life; I was realizing things that I had not realized before. And if you go back and re-read it, you’ll notice that I had Action Plans set for myself on what I wanted to do in response to my revelations. Here’s a summary of those Action Plans:

Action Plan #1: Break the mold. Be the puzzle piece that doesn’t fit. Find my own purpose and way to do God’s works through my life.

Action Plan #2: Break the mold by finding a church and diving below its surface. Don’t value it for its entertainment factor, but determine what qualities of a church are important to me and seek those instead.

Action Plan #3: Break free from the idea that I should wait for God’s will in my life to make daily decisions. Live my life for now, for today, and not for what I’m waiting for in the future, all the while glorifying Him, listening to Him, and continuing to learn from my mistakes.

So what is my progress? I’m ashamed to say, not much progress at all. It really does hurt me to say that. It bothers me that I can’t follow through with things that I was truly so passionate about, and that made a difference in my life, even if just for a day or a week. How am I supposed to grow and become more purposeful in life when all I can do is write about things instead of actually doing them?

I’m angry with myself! Well and truly angry. And I’m not real sure what to do about it. I think I need a watchdog; someone to judge me; someone to keep me accountable. I don’t know. Ugggh! But one thing I do know, is that something has got to change.

Now don’t get me wrong. I haven’t been living this heathen lifestyle for the last three months. To be honest, I’ve barely had time to do anything of my own choosing. But I do know that I have not been committed to finding a church and have come up with every excuse in the book to use. There are no more excuses. I need a church, and I need one now.

And I also know that I haven’t been truly seeking God’s purpose for my life lately. I’ve just been going along, taking what I’m dealt, and not seeking what He would have for me. I haven’t been listening for Him, or really talking to Him for that matter. And I can tell. I can tell in the way I interact with people, I can tell in the way I approach each day, and I can tell when I start worrying about things that are really not under my control. That’s not what I want for myself.

So today, it’s judgment day. I’m judging myself, and I want YOU to judge me too. Maybe that will ignite the fire beneath me to start doing things that I know, that I need, and that I crave. Judge me against the goals that I have set for myself. Judge me against the things that I need to do to accomplish what I have set out to achieve. Tell me when I’m not focused and need to divert my eyes back to what is real, and honest, and good. I want the verdict to be good and I P-R-O-M-I-S-E you that I will get there. Cross my heart! You just wait and see, and have faith in me! Then judgment day will come again, and I will be in a better place.