God and Orthodontics

One of my themes for 2012 is patience.  Trust me, I did not pick it.  At this point in my life, patience is hard to come by.  The funny thing is, God knew this.  He gave me this theme anyway, and then set me out on my journey. 

What do God and orthodontics have in common, you might ask?  Patience.  And why I am blogging about orthodontics?  Well, at the ripe old age of thirty something, having had braces for 2 ½ years in my younger days, I have decided to straighten up my pearly whites yet again.  Not with braces, but with Invisalign.  I recently went to the orthodontist to have my consultation, find out how it was going to work, what all was involved in the process, how long it would take, and how much it was going to cost (OUCH!).  And I'm off on my orthodontic journey!

For those of you who know me well, you know that once I make up my mind about something, I pretty much want it now.  If I decide that I want to go on a trip, chances are that I will book it that day or soon thereafter.  If I decide that I need to go on a diet, it starts right that minute, guns-a-blazing.  If I make up my mind to buy something, it happens pretty darn quickly.  And if I decide that I want to get my teeth straight, well, I make an appointment and want them fixed right now.  Not in two years (GASP!), but RIGHT NOW.  However, orthodontics doesn’t work that way.  The structure of my mouth has to change slowly over time with the help of the orthodontist, several contraptions, and usually some pain and discomfort.  But in the end, I know that my teeth will be more beautiful then ever and will walk around smiling all the time. 

So I don't think it’s a coincidence at all that God is trying to teach me patience at the same time that I am entering a long process to straighten my teeth.  His timing is impeccable.  There are things that are out of my control, which is another hard lesson for me. 

An orthodontist is a specialist who is trained in a very specific field with years of education and experience to back him up.  He knows what he’s doing, and I don’t have the ability to fix my teeth on my own.  I must rely on his expertise.  With an orthodontist, I have a formal plan that I must stick to for the desired results.  I have to go back for regular appointments, take care of my mouth, and listen to my orders.  If I don’t, then the plan doesn’t work and I end up in the same situation that I started in. 

The likeness between God and orthodontics was just too obvious and convicting for me to ignore.  I’m not saying that there aren’t differences (because clearly they are), but for my theme of patience for 2012, the similarities are astounding. 

God is more than just a specialist in one field; He’s a specialist in ALL fields.  Every single area of my life.  And He also has a plan for my life.  One that I am supposed to consult Him on and be diligent in following.  I’m also supposed to check in with Him for regular appointments.  His plan is laid out in the Bible, and those regular appointments?  That’s supposed to be my prayer life. 

So all of these thoughts have put me in a little bit of a tizzy.   I’m screwing up the plan….I’m not making any progress….I take one step forward and two steps back.  In other words, if I’m not actively striving to follow God’s instructions for my life, then I’m going nowhere.  I’m stagnant and sitting in the same position moment after moment, day after day, year after year.   If I don’t wear my Invisalign trays, my orthodontist’s plan won’t work.  If I’m not actively pursuing what God is telling me to do, I’m not getting any closer to His truth.

I think the key factor for me is truly having God’s plan as my desired result.  With my teeth, it's a clear and strong desire to have straight teeth, so it's pretty easy for me to stick to the plan.  If I desire things of this world, or my own plans and ambitions, then I won’t work hard to achieve God’s plan.  If I think that I have the best plan and know how I think I can achieve it, then I won’t be checking in for my regular appointments with God. 

So this is my point of realization where I need to change my desire before I set the course.  And I’ll have to admit that I don’t think that my heart is all in at the moment.  I always think that I want God’s plan for me, but then I get impatient and try to move things along on my own.  And hence, I end up in the little tizzy that I’m in right now.

I hope this is making some sort of sense.  I feel like I’m just throwing up all over this blog.  But it really does scare me!  I get so easily distracted in my life.  At least with orthodontics, I can see my progress.  I know that I’m getting closer and closer to my desired goal.  God doesn’t always show me my progress in life, or at least in ways that I recognize or prefer.  More than anything, I think ultimately what God wants is for me to truly, wholeheartedly, desire Him and His plan.  To be all in and to have an unwaivering faith in Him.  To trust Him.   He does, after all, exist so that I can glorify Him.  He’s here.  He’s present.  And He’s waiting for my heart to desire Him. 

Incredible India

I’m sure you have seen the advertisements just as I have. They are on TV all the time, showing images of the grand Taj Mahal, trying to lure people over to “Incredible India”. Having visited India before, I often wondered why some marketing firm would choose to call India incredible. Perhaps I even thought that it was slightly misleading.

I didn’t intend to write a blog post about my recent India trip. After all, I was in India last year and have a blog post about that trip and my first impressions of the country. I went over for work again, so I just wasn’t expecting to feel compelled to write another blog. But as I pondered the marketing slogan used to describe a country in a way that I probably would not have, I couldn’t help but think about all of things about India that do, in fact, make it incredible.

I think it’s important to first look at the definition of the word “incredible” and its synonyms: so extraordinary as to seem impossible; unbelievable; inconceivable; astonishing.

So perhaps it’s quite an accurate description after all. There are many things in India that I would consider unbelievable. Like the fact that there is such disparity between classes. We would ride to the firm in the hotel’s 7 Series BMW, right past people living in slums and on the street. And it wasn’t just us. There are some seriously rich people in India. While so many countless others live right in front of them, with nothing.

There are many things that I would consider inconceivable. Like how so many of the people in Mumbai live in the conditions that they do, every single day. And in America, most of us can’t fathom living without wifi or our daily Starbucks fix. And I found the crazy way that everything in Mumbai operates astonishing. No lanes on the roads, auto rickshaws weaving in and out of traffic, families of four on a motorcycle, plump, healthy cows standing next to scrawny, dirty goats and chickens. And the list goes on.

And then there are the things that incredible can be used to describe, like the smell that lurked in the air every morning when we left the hotel and got stronger by the end of the day when we left the office. This smell literally made me gag when it first hit my nose. And I still don’t know what it was, other than what I simply call the Mumbai funk. And then there’s the traffic, which is like nothing that I’ve ever seen before. And when you are stuck in traffic, on the streets of Mumbai, in a 7 Series BMW, you get attention. Unwanted attention.

I recall a conversation with one of my co-workers as we were driving to the office one day. She was commenting that her heart breaks for the many stray dogs that are on the street. And believe me, there are a lot. More than I’ve ever seen in any other country. I love animals too, and I’ll admit that it’s shocking to see these dogs just lying down or wandering around hopelessly. But my first reaction, was that it made me feel a bit better that this is the only life that they have ever known. So to them, it’s not bad. It’s just their life. They don’t know that life can be better. They weren’t living in someone’s home and then dumped on the streets.

Then I started thinking about the people of India. Would I say the same thing about them? Should the fact that they’ve not known any different in their lives mean that they don’t deserve better? The answer is a resounding NO! Of course they deserve better! Of course they deserve access to food and shelter and safety and healthcare. And the things that are so basic in life. Of course, of course, of course!

One day driving back to the hotel after work, the traffic was worse than normal. We ended up being stopped right in front of a row of shops. My co-worker and I noticed a lot of men sitting down on the sidewalk in rows. It’s not uncommon for Indian men to be sitting or squatting on the sidewalk or street, but for them to be in such a linear, organized manner was a bit odd. Nothing is linear or organized in Mumbai! Then men started pointing at our car and waving their hands, motioning for us to come over or get out. Then our driver told us that this is the area of town where people come to get fed, and where passers by will give money for this reason. So the men sitting on the sidewalk, were “in line” to be the next one fed. The restaurant owners solicit the money, and then feed the men as money is donated.

So I was conflicted the entire time I was in India. The professional part of me wanted to be in a 7 Series BMW with the doors locked and the air conditioning on. To live in my little JW Marriott bubble and not face the reality of Mumbai. And the human part of me hurt for the people that we passed on the streets every day on the way to work. It hurt for a country with so many people that it doesn’t know what to do. With so many things that need fixing, that it doesn’t know where to start. And with so much disparity amongst the population, that it can seem like a completely different world just around the corner.

But there is hope for India. I don’t want to portray a completely doomsday scenario. India has a lot to offer the world. Think about all of the shared services centers and call centers in India that handle a continual barrage of phone and email traffic from around the world. There are a lot of educated people in India, and they are very hard working. And you know what else? They are extremely gracious and accommodating people. I can’t say a bad thing about a single Indian that I came across.

I made some other observations while I was there:

• Not only do they not eat beef, but they don’t even drink cow’s milk. Imagine my shock when I learned that I’d been using buffalo’s milk in my coffee all week!

• Only about 45% of men drink alcohol, and about 1% of women. And women are generally not allowed to serve alcohol. And because of this, a glass or two of wine is as expensive as an entire meal!

• Places are either air conditioned, or they’re not. Meaning, it’s either musty and muggy with no A/C, or it’s freezing cold when the A/C is on. It’s quite hard to find a happy medium! I struggled with that in my hotel room pretty much the entire first week.

• Everyone in India treated me with very personal service. At the hotel, I was Miss Lisa starting on morning two – everywhere from the hallways at the hotel to the restaurants and lounges and concierge. And at the office, the tea and coffee man knew exactly what I liked and when. I know they are trained to do this, but it still made me feel special.

So will I be rushing back to India on my own accord any time soon? No. Will I count it as one of my favorite travel destinations or experiences? No. But I will say this: it is a very impactful country. One way or another, that country will leave an impression on you. And maybe that’s enough to warrant the phrase “Incredible India”.

Anchors and Sails

Lately I’ve been fixated with the concept of an anchor. Perhaps “fixated” isn’t the most accurate term, but maybe something like a preoccupied, obsessed, or nagging feeling. And I know that makes it sound like a bad thing, but I don’t really think of it as a bad thing at all. In fact, I purchased an anchor pendant because of it. And here’s why…
The definition of an anchor (according to my friends at Merriam-Webster) includes “a reliable or principal support” and “something that serves to hold an object firmly.”

As I get older and experience new things in life, I am consistently reminded of what the anchors are in my life. When I travel, I sometimes forget those anchors and get caught up in wherever I am and whatever I’m doing. It’s easy to not be a very good communicator (although that works both ways) and to fall under the category of “out of sight, out of mind.” So maybe this preoccupied, obsessed, or nagging feeling is God’s way of reminding me that no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I am still anchored at home. And I need to remember that.

I contrast this with the concept of sails. Sails take you places. They are meant to propel you toward your destination. A sailboat cannot get anywhere without sails. But it also needs an anchor, right? To stay in the same place when it needs to or when it wants to?

I miss being home. I love to travel, but I miss having more time at home. I miss cooking in my kitchen, walking to check my mail, snuggling up with the fat cat on the couch to watch continual episodes of Iron Chef on the DVR, and having my life here. At home. And Houston IS home, despite what my obscene amount of Continental airline miles and Marriott points would try to prove otherwise. My sails are certainly worn and weathered!

In this time of almost homesickness, I am reminded of the anchors that I have at home. And that is why I wear an anchor pendant around my neck – the base being a cross and the complete iconic picture of the anchor being everything else in my life that keeps me grounded. You see, without God, and my family, and my friends, and the consistency and normalcy at home, I wouldn’t enjoy traveling so much. If I didn’t have a life here to come home to, going away wouldn’t be the same. That may sound strange, but the excitement of a trip is partly a result of the fact that you get to come home at some point, right?

I’m not ready to give up my sails. I want to keep going places and seeing things. I want to continue traveling to different parts of the world and sharing experiences with friends who are willing to come along for the ride. I want more stamps in my passport, and not for the sake of a stamp, but for the sake of experiencing different cultures and having an adventure.

A book that I recently started reading actually brought up this exact concept. That’s when I knew that it wasn’t just a cheesy revelation that I had, but a real and true obstacle in life that I needed to address. The statement that caught my attention most in the book was this: “Someone who had always wanted to soar with the eagles found himself with fresh appreciation for the steady plodding of the turtle. In a life-redirecting way I came to understand that I needed an anchor as well as a sail.” So soaring eagle to steady plodding turtle?

Was the fact that I happened to be thinking about anchors and sails at the same time I started reading this book a coincidence? Oh goodness, I think not. This is just how our God works. He is making this a conviction of mine. To remain anchored at home and with the people and familiarities that make me who I am, while still trying to be adventurous and free-spirited. To soar like an eagle, while being a slow, deliberately grounded turtle at the same time. To have roots and wings. And to understand that without a comfortable place to land or be anchored, flying away or putting up the sails just isn’t as appealing.

I think it’s okay to have an anchor and a sail. But I don’t want one without the other.

Globetrotting: Norway, Part I

For those of you who are new to this blog, when I started traveling the world with my new job last August, I began a “before and after” blog for each of my trips. The “before” being my expectations of what the country and culture of my destination would be like, and the “after” being the reality that I experienced over there.

I realized that I haven’t done one of my “before and after” blogs in a while. I’ll blame it on the fact that the first seven months of the year, I only traveled to Canada for work. Canada does not count as blog-worthy to me from an expectation vs reality perspective. And don’t get me wrong, I have nothing against Canada. Truth be told, if it wasn’t located in another country, I would probably move to Vancouver. It’s just not a long flight away and doesn’t have what I consider to be a vastly different culture.

I’m heading to Norway in a few days and I was coming to the realization that I really know nothing about this country. So it’s hard for me to have expectations. But, somehow I have formed ideas and visions of what the country will be like and what my experiences will be over there. So, before I get tainted with the truth, let’s go for a ride through my make-believe version of Oslo:

Cold: this is my first expectation. I will admit that I have been monitoring weather.com for purposes of packing, but even without knowing what the forecasted temperatures are, I am fairly confident that I would have still had this expectation. Coming from Houston, this weather change will be quite a shock, but maybe not as bad I was originally thinking – forecasted mid 40’s for the high and low 30’s for the low.

Dark: I know what time of year it is and I know how far north Oslo is. So I expect that there will not be many hours of daylight. This depresses me.

Pickled things: Why do I have a vision of the Norwegians pickling everything? Mainly things like fish. For some reason I think there will be a lot of pickled fish up there. And pickled other things too. I’m not sure what, but I’m pretty sure it will happen. Good thing I like pickled things!

Vikings: How could I NOT expect something related to Vikings? I know they won’t be roaming the streets, and I won’t get to hang out with them over a beer, but I’m pretty sure the history of Vikings will be everywhere and I look forward to learning about them.

Fjords: I don’t even really know what these are. But I know I’ve heard the word associated with Norway and that they are supposed to be beautiful pieces of nature.

(This is where I run off to Wikipedia to see what they are….)

Ok, here we go: "Geologically, a fjord is a long, narrow inlet with steep sides or cliffs, created in a valley carved by glacial activity."  I doubt I’ll see any of these in downtown Oslo, but a girl can dream :-)

Expensive: I only have this expectation because I’ve heard it said before, and the per dium allotted to us for Oslo is outrageous compared to everywhere else. So things MUST be really, really expensive. How can pickled fish be so expensive?

I am actually very much looking forward to my little Scandinavian adventure, and I am a bit ashamed that my only vision of Norway consists of cold, dark, pickled Vikings living in very expensive fjords. Go figure. Come back in a few weeks for Part II, the reality!

A Churning Sea

I am always entertained with stories about people seeing “signs” in their lives and listening to how they interpret them. Sometimes I think that things aren’t really signs at all, but a person’s desperate grasp at whatever they need at that moment, whether it be encouragement, a justification for doing (or not doing something), or simply a little reminder. I’m reminded of the movie Serendipity with Kate Beckinsale and John Cusack. I know you ladies out there know what I’m talkin’ about! She believes in fate and lives her life looking for signs. It’s a cheesy, romantic, often frustrating movie, but in the end, it’s mushy and heart-warming – fate brings them together.

I’m not talking about fate here, nor am I talking about a love story with a happy ending. But what I do want to share with you is a little story about signs. Little hopes of encouragement. Little reminders. And not from the universe, but from God.

I’m assuming that if you’re reading this blog post, then you likely read my recent Restless post. If not, welcome to my blog and you can find the Restless post just a bit further down the page. I’m still struggling with the things that I mentioned in that post, and I’m still not in sync with God, but I’m getting there, and He is slowly working on me.

I was working in the Cayman Islands last week. The location doesn’t really matter other than that it was an island and was surrounded by the Caribbean Sea. Work was going just fine, I had a good team to work with, the food was tasty – I mean, what more could you ask for? I’m living in my own little world down there, staring out of a conference room window at the Caribbean all day, and thinking that there could be worse places to be working. I was feeling relatively happy and wasn’t really angry at God, but wasn’t buddy-buddy with Him either. Just kind of cruising along and minding my own business.

Then it happened. Or rather, they happened. Signs. Reminders. Little hints of encouragement. God.

As the week progressed, I began paying more attention to the water. It was getting a lot more agitated. There was no more calm, clear, turquoise gorgeousness. It was heaving and hurling and churning.

A churning sea - Sign #1.

I’m riding in the taxi van with my two other team members on the way from work to the hotel, same as I had every other morning and evening. Uneventful. And I happen to notice that the taxi driver had a bumper sticker on her glove compartment that said “Act Justly. Love Mercy. Walk Humbly.”

Bumper sticker - Sign #2.

A couple of minutes later, I happen to look at her driver’s seat and notice that she has a t-shirt pulled over the seat, and it’s one of those Senor Frog’s t-shirts (which sounds silly in this story), that very clearly stated on the back “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”

Random bar t-shirt - Sign #3. At this point, I just have to smile.

In continuing with the nightly routine, we all went upstairs to our rooms for about an hour before meeting up for dinner. I had brought my daily devotional book (My Utmost for His Highest) with me, but hadn’t turned a page yet. Remember, I’m just happily cruising along, minding my own business. Then I decide to have a look at the devotion for that day. And it said this: “You have no idea of where or how God is going to engineer your future circumstances, and no knowledge of what stress and strain is going to be placed in you either at home or abroad. And if you waste your time in over activity, instead of being immersed in the great fundamental truths of God’s redemption, then you will snap when the stress and strain do come.”

Daily devotion - Sign #4.

Fate was not at work here. And I’m not going to pretend that my life turned upside down because of what I have labeled as the “four signs.” But for me, in those moments, on that one day, God knew that I needed something to grasp on to. He knew that I wasn’t having conversations with Him, and He was finding ways to have conversations with me anyway.

Micah 6:8 is one of my favorite verses. That it was stuck to a glove compartment in a taxi van on Grand Cayman Island could have just been coincidence, and very likely was. But it made me smile. The t-shirt from a bar with the statement about “finding your prince” was likely just a souvenir gift from someone to the taxi driver. But it reminded me to be patient. That the sea grew wilder with each day was, in all honesty, a result of the tropical depression that was in the Western Caribbean. I know that. But it reminded me that life is lived out in cycles. That one day it can be smooth and calm and beautiful, and in the next instant, it can be a churning sea, tossing everything around and rearranging what used to be your normal, and making it into something new.

And that devotion? It’s funny how words can speak so powerfully to you one day and be mere words on the next. That day, those words encouraged me to just hang on. To not stop believing in the might and power of our God. And to not let myself get caught up in a routine, or in my current status in life, but to get caught up in Him.

I don’t believe in fate, I believe in God. Some people would say that what God plans for our lives IS fate. But the problem with that is that we have the choice to screw it all up with the decisions that we make. So in the meantime, I will keep on trudging along, trying harder to keep myself focused on Him and not on everything around me. And by doing this I can hopefully be better prepared to handle the stress and strain that is sure to come and toss my life around, just like a churning sea.

Put Together

Someone said to me a while back, “Lisa, you always look so put together.” And I know that she meant it as a complement. She said it with a big smile and a hug. Really, it was a sweet thing to say and it came from the goodness deep within her.

But I’ve been a bit troubled by that statement ever since. Not that it came from her, but that I hope that I don’t come across that way to everyone. And to be honest, I’ve heard that a few more times since then. But I guarantee you, I am most certainly NOT always put together.

On a majority of weekends, there is a high likelihood that at some point during the weekend, I will resemble a hobo. You know, those people who meander around Central Park with pigeons on their shoulders? Ok well, maybe I don’t have pigeons on my shoulders, but I’m usually wearing a mix match of clothes that most people would not be caught dead wearing in public. And the people at the grocery store often get to see this side of me.

Or catch me up at my parents during the holidays. I usually stay in my flannel pants all day. I eat breakfast, lunch AND dinner in them. And if I do have to leave the house, there’s a high likelihood that I may not shower for the outing. So you can imagine how not “put together” I am at times like that. Or take a trip with me, and I promise you, that by the end of Day 2, you will know without a doubt that I am not always “put together.”

If you see me at work, I’ll probably look decent. Likewise, if you see me at church, I’ll probably appear to be put together. And if you catch me at the tail end of a 24 hour flight? You’ll see a side of me that I don’t even see that often. The jet lagged grumpy, frumpy, I-really-want-a-shower-and-clean-clothes version of myself.

The outward appearance

We all know that someone’s outward appearance can leave an impression. But it’s just that, an outward appearance. It doesn’t tell you what’s going on inside. And often times, the outward appearance does not even reflect the true spirit of that person. I agree that there are times when someone is going through something so horrible that they wear it on the outside. But what about all of the other times, when a struggle is more silent? Or someone is dealing with the same insecurities as everyone else? We all have them.

I do like to look nice. And I will admit that I have a passionate love for jewelry, handbags, shoes, and Banana Republic. And when you put those four things together, you can certainly look very put together. But the Bible tells us in 1 Peter 3:3-4 that “Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as elaborate hairstyles and the wearing of gold jewelry or fine clothes. Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight.” So do you understand why that statement troubled me?

The internal self

Those who are close to me know without a doubt that I am not always as put together as I may look. They know of my insecurities, my doubts, my concerns, my struggles. Trust me, I have them, just like everyone else. And I can confidently say that nobody is always as put together as they look.

I don’t mean this as a negative vibe toward this person AT ALL. I love that she said it. I also think it teaches me a good lesson. One that reminds me that I need to be myself in all situations. I need to be true to who I am and what I am feeling at the moment, and be sensitive to the fact that my outward appearance does not always reflect what is going on inside. To be fair, I can’t let it. There are too many times and places in my life when I need to look nice and put together, and I can’t afford to look how I feel on the inside. But the important lesson is that I need to make sure that the people who are close to me know what is going on in my life. After all, they are the ones who actually keep me together.

Restless

I love my job. It affords me the opportunity to travel around the world and visit other cities and cultures. And I get lots of airline and hotel points to use for fun, which certainly is a perk! What I also love about my job is that when I’m home, I can have a life. I can plan things and follow through with them, and it’s very predictable. I missed that for most of the early part of my career.

I have a great group of friends, from all aspects of my life. Some I’ve had since college, some are from my early days at work, some are from church, some are by chance, but in the end, they are all important to me and form an invaluable support network for me. I honestly cannot envision going through life without my friends.

My family continues to be a solid rock for me. It’s refreshing to have parents who always want to see me, even if I just saw them the weekend before. And although I don’t see my sister as much as I would like, we have a history that goes back our entire lives, which is something that I don’t have with anybody else. Sure our family dynamics have changed over the years, but we are still a family and we enjoy the new challenges and opportunities that we encounter. Well, most of them :-)

I really can’t complain about my life.

But I’m restless. Utterly, powerfully, and uncontrollably restless.

Literally and figuratively. I can’t sit still long enough to even notice what is going on in my life. I just live it, day by day, trip by trip, and then I look up one day and things are not the way that I envisioned them to be. Or where I want them to be.

I’m restless because I don’t know what the heck my life is for at the moment.

I’m restless because I keep comparing my life to everyone else’s around me.

I’m restless because right now, I’m angry with God. Really, really angry with Him. So angry that I can’t force myself to open my mouth and talk to Him. I’m afraid of what I would say. And part of me wants Him to hurt as much as I feel I am hurting right now. Even though I know that He hurts watching me live my life every single day.

I’m restless because six months ago, I felt so confident in my life and my direction and my dreams. God was working in me and I was passionate about living my life for Him. And then it all just stopped. It all came to a screeching halt. And I wish that I could pin point what it was that caused it. But it has made be resentful and angry and hurt. And restless. Why? Because feeling that close to God and being in sync with Him got me through each day without thinking about the fact that I am 34 and single and nowhere close to being a wife and a mother. Now, without Him, it’s something that I think about every single day. Usually multiple times a day. I’ve lost the confidence in His plan for me and feel so far away from it.

I see couples in a restaurant together enjoying a meal and laughing over their conversation, and my heart physically aches. I watch my friends playing with their kids, or getting ready to have their first or second child, and I get butterflies. Six months ago, I was content exactly where I was. Now, I’m just restless.

And it’s not just my single status that is making me restless. It’s watching close friends of mine go through things that they shouldn’t have to go through. And being angry with God about that too. It’s having almost too much freedom with my time, no one to be accountable to, and endless possibilities of things to do. It’s putting off things that I know have needed to get done for months, or even longer. All of that makes me feel restless.

I’m in a state of unknown right now. I’m way too prideful right now, and I know that. I have far too many expectations of my life right now. And none of them are coming to fruition because they are my expectations, not His. And I know that. And I also know that none of this is going to get better without me completely breaking into pieces and throwing myself on the ground at His feet. I just can’t do that right now. Certainly not on my own strength. I’m being a stubborn, hard-headed child to my Father. And instead of crying out to Him to tell Him that I’m angry, I sit with my lips zipped tightly in my room with the door closed, pouting in the corner. And you can ask my parents – I’m a great pouter!

So friends, my few blog followers who have been sitting for over two months without a new post, can I ask you to just do something for me? Can I just ask simply that you pray for me? Because I’m not doing a very good job of that right now, and could use some help. And hopefully at some point in the near future, all of this restless energy can be aimed towards something good.

Lots of love and thanks coming your way.